Tuesday, August 24, 2010

It's not ok

Look around. The world condenses to small rooms,
big rooms.... rooms... walls..

There are these multiple worlds/microcosms..and most of us entrapped and inextricably enmeshed  in one or another of these pseudo-worlds.

I see people walk amid these..into and out of these..back again to one or another..running from one...running right into another..out of choice, out of guilt, out of compulsion, out of hope, out of fear...

The question doesn't matter. The answer will seldom be anything else.

Lifetimes are spent banging heads against these walls... in decorating these walls... in leaning against these walls when no one is watching, in a wave of sudden existential crisis...

Lifetimes are spent, staring at these walls...And then sometimes a stolen moment or two...staring out of the window...staring at the wind outside...staring at the flying dust...sometimes daring to stare as far away as the sun!

You wonder, 'That 's far away'.. and you realise there is a place far away..somewhere far away from this room...it means you can get out of these rooms and traverse that distance to 'far away'...

Something in the room will sooner or later scream for attention...a phone/ a doorbell/ a colleague/ a superior/ a spouse/ a stranger...and you re-enter the room.
It takes a while..
You can't see the room anymore..The sun is powerful, so much more powerful.
It will take some effort before you will be able to see the room again.

But you know what breaks my heart... that you think perhaps you're not supposed to stare at the sun that long..because it blurs the room
You CHOOSE... the room over the sun

You know you experienced something worthwhile.. you know you felt alive
and the conclusion you reach is- Well, probably windows are quite important!

You break my heart.. because you reach the conclusion that windows are important.. Do you see..do you SEE.. you need windows because there are walls
Windows are a part of the wall

But we never ever challenge the wall

We would doubt the sun
We would not doubt the wall

And so we create windows. We take pride in creating windows. And I see men and women, become slave to windows, and declare joy in it.
They become slave to windows, just as they were slave to walls.
And what breaks my heart is this.. what really breaks my heart is, you think you have escaped, but by being slave to windows, you are still slave to the walls!
You are a slave.

The sun is truth... and you know it...it will give life, or it will burn
But the walls...these walls.... they house hours and hours of quiet desperation
Of scores and hundreds of souls...segregated by walls

They house suffering. They house deceit. They prevent you from seeing what lies beyond this wall, and the next, and the next..

The fear is we may begin and end, in one of these self proclaimed, self reinforcing, pseudo-'world's..believing that the rules are real, and the festering desperation to break them unjustified.. that the walls are for keeps and the sun only to peek at discreetly now and then... that we are alone in taking a pause to think whether we want to enter the next room, or the same room ever again...that it's not ok to say it's not ok...
The fear is we may become ok with not struggling for our lives. The fear is we may in fact struggle to keep ourselves from living the lives we deserve.